Man, I am so dejected today.
I was riding a high because I got to send some messages to my brothers cousins and I was so excited that I couldn't sleep. I wanted to keep checking myspace to see if they had seen or read or responded to me.
I found their mothers number earlier today and text it to my brother in case he wanted to call instead of waiting for the respond.
Then I get a call from my hubby's grandmother, who I was supposed to take to the doctor today. She canceled AGAIN.
She had a bad night last night, fell, cut her head and bruised her face, her tree feel into her neighbors yard and she had to call some one to come and get out and cut it up.
Why didn't she call me?
She wants me to come by her house later today, and I am a little worried about what she wants to tell me.
I called and canceled her appointment and I hope they call me to reschedule. These appointments are important, so they can start her radiation treatment asap.
Then I felt a little down for my brother..he is having an adoptee moment. I think he finally has come to terms or discovered that our adopted family care squat about us.
I was like HELLO...where have you been for all your life.
Once our mother died..we were just nobodies. He was a little lucky in that he was married and had his family when my mother died..but some little part of him still wants to connect to that family...
I cut my ties long ago and don't plan to go anywhere near them ever again...
My devil mother....I mean godmother is the last person I want to see anytime soon..and all her relatives could care less for me or my family...and I don't care.
But if Johnny needs to connect to them..well I will help him.
I am going to write an email to my cousin and hope she will have the guts to go against the family and help me out with this.
But I think its a dead end...I don't think those people care if Johnny wants to connect to them or not.
But...I am going to do my part to help him..its not up to me to know what is good for him...you know?
As for my mother...God help me, but as soon as I get upset with her she does something to knock me off kilter.
I was just venting to my aunt about her and the feelings I have concerning her making me feel so....not sure the feeling...just unimportant...
and my aunt asks me if she has called me...and I said no..but I should have know..when my father calls..she calls pretty much around the same time...remember my other post about how freaky that this...like they are on the same wavelength or something....anyway..I told my aunt..no I haven't heard from her etc...
Well, I was checking my messages to see if molly had been trying to reach me..and lo and behold there was a message from my mother...
I couldn't find her number on my missed calls..so it must have gone directly to voicemail..and I hardly check messages...I just call back from the caller ID.
Not sure what number she called from..but it still hurts me a little that
1. she didn't tell me she was going to dallas. and I had to find out like a freak from her in laws...like hey idiot your mother is not here can't you keep track of her..well, no I can't because she doesnt' tell me her plans and I have to be the idiot that finds out second hand.
2. she was gone for over a week and she just barely called me...her excuse for not calling me is that she can't dial out..no long distance..but she was with her daughters all week long and they all have cell phones...sooo.....kicked to the curb...why am I surprised...
Oh well...I guess its just time to put on the happy face and chit chat with her and get it through my thick skull that I will never rate anywhere near her raised daughters not that I care that much..its just that sometimes I forget that I am the discarded one and some little feeling of belonging starts to present itself and I start feeling like maybe maybe it is going to be ok...and then I get put back in my place pretty damn quick...
So..lesson learned ..AGAIN. Hopefully this time it sticks...but knowing me...it won't and I will here again soon with the woe is me post..
damn it!!!
