the mother/father factor

I was just thinking of my father and my mother and the totally different ways I relate to them.
I had a long shower, the best place to construct a blog post and I thought, yep, I need to write this down.

I understand that I sometimes sound bitter, ok lots of times.
But really I am not, sometimes I am just stating the obvious.

I lived well over 38 years without a thought to my adoption.

I had other things on my mind..like life and living it.

Sometimes I would think of my mother, and sometimes I wouldn't.

No biggie..
Now the father factor, hardly entered my mind.

I am not sure why not. Maybe because he was just a figure in my mind that was faceless. I didn't know anything about him except his name. Nothing at all.
Didn't know where he lived or what he did or anything..and really I never thought about it.

I didn't know anything until I reunited with my mother and she told me about him and the "situation" and that I should look for him.
I told her no first but then I did look for him.

and I found him and I am happy.

The huge difference between my mother and father are the feelings attached to them.
I get get told that i have a double standard when it comes to my mother and father.

My mother gets the whole range of emotions. Sometimes I can totally hate her, but other times I love her to pieces. I ache for her and then I want to push her away.
I don't know why, maybe because she is my mother and I am a mother and I could not fathom leaving my child with someone. But I understand why she did it. I do..but how could she is the question.

I don't have those feeling for Frank. Frank is more like a gift with purchase. The purchase being the reunion with my mother and Frank is the bonus reunion.
you never get upset with your bonus purchase.
You might hate what you brought, or you might love it one day and the next it looks like crap on you.
You might be happy with your purchase (aka reunion) but sometimes you might wonder why you spent so much on it. (aka, so much time)

You might forget your purchase for days and other times you want to use it over and over again.
But the bonus, the free with purchase bonus, is always an awesome thing. You are happy you got it. you think you got a great deal. You use it, or not, you think of it as a huge bonus. You love it.
And thats Frank. He is my bonus and I am happy I got him.
and I hope he is happy I got him too.

I have more to say, but its a whole other post.

myspace

I have been blogging a lot on myspace. I might move those blogs over here. I have had a lot on my mind. Especially since some of my fathers family has requested me on myspace. Two I don't even know, but they are my nieces. I am excited that they are becoming more open to me, but I must admit, I wonder what their motive really is.
I can't help thinking this.

can't stop

I just can't stop starting at the pictures my brother sent me. I started shaking because I was trying so hard not to start crying.
Sadly, I never got a chance to get pictures of my mother because she died while I was still young and no one would have considered maybe saving some for me.
After seeing Johnny again after so many years I asked him for some and he just emailed me these.
The thing that bothers me, or makes me feel a little overwhelmed is that Johnny was my brother, but he was so much older than I that I called him Daddy.
I remember calling him daddy. Even though I didn't see him for years and years, I still remember that.
I asked him to verify it and he said yes.
So he was my daddy!!!! But really he was my brother...but really we share no DNA!
I missed him and my mana lily. (my sister Olivia) I still feel so bad that I found her to late. She died months before I found her.
I tried so hard to look for her...I tried for years..and when I finally found her she was gone.
I miss her so much.
It sucks that I moved around so much and lost track of them and they of me...
It sucks that I was so angry with the whole adopted family that after I turned 18 I pretty much was asked to hit the road, and I hit it with both feet at a run. God, I sometimes wish I could forget those years, but not the years I spent with my mother!! never those years.

who's own good?

Reading blogs gets me so motivated to write, it also motivates me to action (except I am lazy) and many times it drives me to anger.
There is one blog in particular that really has my emotions on a see saw. Up and down.
And I await a new post. Needless to say she hasn't posted about her birthday and her birth mother's reaction to it. Plans were made by both months in advance and then canceled by said mother.
Problem is her mother is notorious for such doings.
But, I came across another blog..which had my story pretty much written in it..well..not the whole sordid affair but the whole "my family reads my blog and then judges me harshly about it".
She wants to cancel her blog..I sent her an email and told her not to. Those are her feelings and she should have a right to voice them and her family should understand.
But the truth is family never understands, an adoptee must be happy happy joy joy all the time so they bios won't get hurt and defensive and just like you were supposed to make your adopted family happy by being the good adoptee...you have to make your natural family happy by being the forgiving adoptee.
But the question is, Can't you be forgiving and STILL upset?
I told my natural mother (after the blog fiasco and myspace BS) that I have a right to mourn the loss of my first family. I have the right to be angry at the decisions that were made on my behalf by everyone (except me) and I have the right to just be plain sad. Don't I?
She said yes, but really she meant no. Because dearest, things were done for your own GOOD. Oh yeah..not her own good?...not anyone's own good...really? Yeah..
I had nothing to do about it...except the inconvenience part. The whole "oh snap!" Baby on board.