not enough

I will never get to really know them, will I?

There is just not enough time.

There is just to much distance?

It hit me last night..there is just not enough time.

Why bother?

But what if I want to bother?

yesterday

Yesterday I was strong..I knew where I should be headed..I knew that I could handle anything especially concerning adoption..

and today, I am struggling trying to hold back tears...my heart is breaking all because of this:

But I didn’t know that then. I know it now, but I can’t undo what I did then. I can only trust in God as I know Him now – a loving, personal God who is crazy about me (yes, even the 19-year old, scared, people-pleasing single mother me) and who says, “Wait, my beloved daughter. Be patient. It will all work out in the end.”
I just wish I had found Him before that cold, wet night in March when I left my beloved daughter in the arms of strangers.


I ache for this mother and that is one reason I have tears threatening to stream down my face, but a little part of me aches for me...

I will get over it, but I wonder? Why do I do this to myself every day...return to these blogs where people hurt..where their feelings are so raw..so familiar to me...so close to those insecurities that dwell within me...why do I?

Because I have to, so I won't be alone in this, so I can feel that I belong somewhere...that I am not that child sent of into the world without those closest to her..

I desire to belong..and if the only people who understand me are these bloggers who struggle like me, then I will continue to read them..together we support ourselves, together we turn to God for the answers. And when there are no answers, then we turn to Him to hold us up with his strength and His eternal love.

adoption

I have like 20 things on my mind from Adoption and religion, to last nights dance, to major thoughts about major things.

1. Adoption and religion. Once upon a time, I thought adoption was wonderful. Adoption: give away your kids, they are better off without you. Go do it..do it...do it already.

I was the queen of denial. I was. In fact, I remember early in our marriage my hubby and I got into an argument about it. Our church teaches that all children should be born into a family with both a mother and a father. Well who could argue with that. I couldn't..not. at. all.

I told my dh if our kids got pregnant..we would tell them to give them up for adoption. Look at me I turned out fine. Hmmm? He said he could never give away a part of him. Wow, I never heard that before. People I knew, gave away a part of them like they were candy..namely me and my brother Roy..my adopted brother, my adopted Sister, my adopted cousin, my adopted aunt. People (parents) just left us like there was no tomorrow. But, I said..two parents remember...sealed in the temple remember!!!

I lived in la la land for a few years until I met my mother. Then the flood gates opened and I saw a part of me that I had never ever seen before. An angry, and very sad person. I didn't understand what I was feeling. I didn't know why I felt this way. DENIAL. plain and simple.

Its been two years and I am just seeing the light. I can speak to my mother and maybe only 2 things she says makes my blood freeze and boil and my heart go a million miles a minute. Normally, we are ok. Well, I am ok NOW. But I wasn't always. Nope, I was far from it.

Things are different now for me. I believe that children should stay with their parents..have a history, have a FAMILY. Do adoptive parents love their kids? Heck yeah. My mother loved me very very much. I loved her very very much. I still do...she is my mother..I love her...

But...there are a slew of reasons why the parentals should stay with their children....sometimes that is not possible..and in cases like that..well...then you do what is best.
But there will be consequence..people should be aware.