yesterday

Yesterday I was strong..I knew where I should be headed..I knew that I could handle anything especially concerning adoption..

and today, I am struggling trying to hold back tears...my heart is breaking all because of this:

But I didn’t know that then. I know it now, but I can’t undo what I did then. I can only trust in God as I know Him now – a loving, personal God who is crazy about me (yes, even the 19-year old, scared, people-pleasing single mother me) and who says, “Wait, my beloved daughter. Be patient. It will all work out in the end.”
I just wish I had found Him before that cold, wet night in March when I left my beloved daughter in the arms of strangers.


I ache for this mother and that is one reason I have tears threatening to stream down my face, but a little part of me aches for me...

I will get over it, but I wonder? Why do I do this to myself every day...return to these blogs where people hurt..where their feelings are so raw..so familiar to me...so close to those insecurities that dwell within me...why do I?

Because I have to, so I won't be alone in this, so I can feel that I belong somewhere...that I am not that child sent of into the world without those closest to her..

I desire to belong..and if the only people who understand me are these bloggers who struggle like me, then I will continue to read them..together we support ourselves, together we turn to God for the answers. And when there are no answers, then we turn to Him to hold us up with his strength and His eternal love.