waiting...

I am waiting for my abrother to attempt a call. I need him to call me so that I feel that I am doing the right thing.
He is older and has confessed that he doesn't like calling.
But I need him to call. I can't be doing all the calling because I start second guessing myself over and over again.
I need him to call...I am praying that he will call..that will make me feel that he wants to reestablish a relationship.
Please call!!!!

still thinking

I can't seem to get the thoughts of my brother out of my head. Especially when he asked me how he fit into my life. How does he fit into my life? I wish he could become a huge part of my life. I want him too. But does he? I need him to show me what he wants, and I need him to make a move.
I second guess myself a lot and I want to keep making contact but what if he doesn't make contact back?

ouch..that hurt

I talked to my brother for over two hours yesterday. my adopted brother who took me to live with him then sent me to live with our sister who ended up sending me to live with my bmom...all in the span of about 1 1/2 years..don't know the actual time line, cuz I was like 7.
Well, he pretty much told me that he couldn't take care of me, so he sent me off to our sis. His wife was gonna have their first baby...and pretty much I was in the way. Then my sister was gonna have a suprise baby and well....again with the in a the way stuff.
He was honest..I shrugged it off...but inside I was a wreck.
Not sure how to feel. He is an adoptee too..so he has the same feelings I do. I don't want to judge him. I just wanted to know the reasons for what happened..and now I do.
Still...it was painful to hear. So..ouch!!!

got up extra early

and what was the first thought in my head? "I wonder if he will call me?
Yep, he...who he? My adopted brother whom I just recently contacted after a 30 absence. Yep...30 years..I wrote him a letter and he called right away...and I called right back..talked...called again...talked for a second then he pawned me off on his Wife. What does that mean?
Should I call back? Maybe that's a clue that he doesn't want to talk to me, but then why did he call?
Darn!!!
I lived with him for a very short while and then he sent me to live with our sister (this was after our mother died, I was about 7 or 8.)
I would love to get to know him again. I have questions he can answer..but I think he might have adoptee issues too...maybe..
So I will wait..maybe call him for New Years, maybe not. I might send him another letter...maybe not...not sure..a card maybe...Don't want to lose contact so soon.

kinda hiding

I haven't been here in a very very long time. I have posted mostly on homeschoolblogger.com/sillysiller but now I am going to post here. Main reason is that I need a little more privacy from family members. Just a little because I am sure they will find me here before long.
Christmas just passed and I am totally unsure how to feel.
If you go to my other blog you can read about my reunion with my biofamily so I will not go into it here very much.
Needless to say Christmas is hard sometimes. I either block everything out or dwell on everything adoption related...this year I did both...block a little and dwell a little.
One big dwell...NO ONE from my bio family called me except one brother (well two but one is not bio). No mother, no father, not sisters not other brothers...NO ONE.
Granted I didn't call anyone either. First excuse, my cell phone ran out of minutes (thanks daughter) second excuse, home phone was occupied most of the day with calls for my kids.
Regardless, the point is I didn't make an effort and neither did they. Point is..par for the course.
My first mother called me today, with her batch of excuse for why she didn't call..then the guilt trip about how NONE of her bio kids (ok she said her kids, might include me...might not) called her..except for one. How lonely she was, and emotional because Christmas means family and she always had someone missing (me? her other son she gave away? her oldest who is estranged from the family? not sure)....
Felt bad for her..felt bad for me...we hung up..and that's that.
Called bio father had a 10 second conversation...he seemed busy with his family, you know the real one..so we promised to call again later..like when he has time for me..you know his daughter during convenient times..and while he is alone.
Ah, the joys of the holiday. Makes me want to just go somewhere and drink the pain away..sadly I don't drink..sometimes I wish I did.