the mother/father factor

I was just thinking of my father and my mother and the totally different ways I relate to them.
I had a long shower, the best place to construct a blog post and I thought, yep, I need to write this down.

I understand that I sometimes sound bitter, ok lots of times.
But really I am not, sometimes I am just stating the obvious.

I lived well over 38 years without a thought to my adoption.

I had other things on my mind..like life and living it.

Sometimes I would think of my mother, and sometimes I wouldn't.

No biggie..
Now the father factor, hardly entered my mind.

I am not sure why not. Maybe because he was just a figure in my mind that was faceless. I didn't know anything about him except his name. Nothing at all.
Didn't know where he lived or what he did or anything..and really I never thought about it.

I didn't know anything until I reunited with my mother and she told me about him and the "situation" and that I should look for him.
I told her no first but then I did look for him.

and I found him and I am happy.

The huge difference between my mother and father are the feelings attached to them.
I get get told that i have a double standard when it comes to my mother and father.

My mother gets the whole range of emotions. Sometimes I can totally hate her, but other times I love her to pieces. I ache for her and then I want to push her away.
I don't know why, maybe because she is my mother and I am a mother and I could not fathom leaving my child with someone. But I understand why she did it. I do..but how could she is the question.

I don't have those feeling for Frank. Frank is more like a gift with purchase. The purchase being the reunion with my mother and Frank is the bonus reunion.
you never get upset with your bonus purchase.
You might hate what you brought, or you might love it one day and the next it looks like crap on you.
You might be happy with your purchase (aka reunion) but sometimes you might wonder why you spent so much on it. (aka, so much time)

You might forget your purchase for days and other times you want to use it over and over again.
But the bonus, the free with purchase bonus, is always an awesome thing. You are happy you got it. you think you got a great deal. You use it, or not, you think of it as a huge bonus. You love it.
And thats Frank. He is my bonus and I am happy I got him.
and I hope he is happy I got him too.

I have more to say, but its a whole other post.