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blah

Man, I am so dejected today.

I was riding a high because I got to send some messages to my brothers cousins and I was so excited that I couldn't sleep. I wanted to keep checking myspace to see if they had seen or read or responded to me.

I found their mothers number earlier today and text it to my brother in case he wanted to call instead of waiting for the respond.

Then I get a call from my hubby's grandmother, who I was supposed to take to the doctor today. She canceled AGAIN.

She had a bad night last night, fell, cut her head and bruised her face, her tree feel into her neighbors yard and she had to call some one to come and get out and cut it up.

Why didn't she call me?

She wants me to come by her house later today, and I am a little worried about what she wants to tell me.

I called and canceled her appointment and I hope they call me to reschedule. These appointments are important, so they can start her radiation treatment asap.

Then I felt a little down for my brother..he is having an adoptee moment. I think he finally has come to terms or discovered that our adopted family care squat about us.

I was like HELLO...where have you been for all your life.

Once our mother died..we were just nobodies. He was a little lucky in that he was married and had his family when my mother died..but some little part of him still wants to connect to that family...

I cut my ties long ago and don't plan to go anywhere near them ever again...

My devil mother....I mean godmother is the last person I want to see anytime soon..and all her relatives could care less for me or my family...and I don't care.

But if Johnny needs to connect to them..well I will help him.

I am going to write an email to my cousin and hope she will have the guts to go against the family and help me out with this.

But I think its a dead end...I don't think those people care if Johnny wants to connect to them or not.

But...I am going to do my part to help him..its not up to me to know what is good for him...you know?

As for my mother...God help me, but as soon as I get upset with her she does something to knock me off kilter.

I was just venting to my aunt about her and the feelings I have concerning her making me feel so....not sure the feeling...just unimportant...

and my aunt asks me if she has called me...and I said no..but I should have know..when my father calls..she calls pretty much around the same time...remember my other post about how freaky that this...like they are on the same wavelength or something....anyway..I told my aunt..no I haven't heard from her etc...

Well, I was checking my messages to see if molly had been trying to reach me..and lo and behold there was a message from my mother...

I couldn't find her number on my missed calls..so it must have gone directly to voicemail..and I hardly check messages...I just call back from the caller ID.

Not sure what number she called from..but it still hurts me a little that

1. she didn't tell me she was going to dallas. and I had to find out like a freak from her in laws...like hey idiot your mother is not here can't you keep track of her..well, no I can't because she doesnt' tell me her plans and I have to be the idiot that finds out second hand.

2. she was gone for over a week and she just barely called me...her excuse for not calling me is that she can't dial out..no long distance..but she was with her daughters all week long and they all have cell phones...sooo.....kicked to the curb...why am I surprised...

Oh well...I guess its just time to put on the happy face and chit chat with her and get it through my thick skull that I will never rate anywhere near her raised daughters not that I care that much..its just that sometimes I forget that I am the discarded one and some little feeling of belonging starts to present itself and I start feeling like maybe maybe it is going to be ok...and then I get put back in my place pretty damn quick...

So..lesson learned ..AGAIN. Hopefully this time it sticks...but knowing me...it won't and I will here again soon with the woe is me post..

damn it!!!

semi

My vacation can be considered semi successful. Semi, because I didn't get to see my brother. I drove by his house twice, but didn't want to just drop by unannounced. I hate when people do that to me..plus, I don't want to put him on the spot..you know?

But meeting Max was great. He seem so nice and very lovable. He wants me to go back so he can introduce me to all his Siller family. LOL

Met the great aunts too..that was awesome.

met up with my sister and had a very interesting conversation with her mother.

Got a chance to see my grandmother Casarez and Janie.

So a full couple of days.

Want to go back and talk to max again and see the great aunts..since they are all pretty old and I would like to spend some time with them.

Finally got a chance to visit the cemetery and give my mother flowers. I don't particularly like visiting cemeteries because they feel so...EMPTY.

I feel that my mother is with me every day...and the cemetery is not a place that I enjoy being...but I don't like it to be forgotten either.

Came home with tons of information from both sides of the family..tons...

including some current "gossip"..not really gossip just goings on...

So..its nice to know what what with the sisters and the brothers...on both sides.

Haven't gotten a down yet..but I know its coming..maybe not so bad..when I started to feel uncertain, I decided to call my aunt Dora and we had a great conversation. She told me a thing or two about Frank and his past..answers a lot of questions and just made me feel sad a little for him..

Kinda reminds me of my father in law in one sense..which is sad.

I think the next time I will get a chance to go down will be in the summer.

I am hoping spring break will be spent in Houston, but not sure cuz my hubby really wants some one on one time with us...so we might make it a staycation.

Well, that's that..most other information is to personal and private to put on this post..like the specifics in our conversations about my father..I have lots of opinions about that..so it might be better that I make that private or put it only on my other blog.
(written on myspace)..(my specifics will not be private on this blog..hope to get on it soon.

trust

have been going around in circles trying to convince myself that it really doesn't matter how I am treated..

Lies, they tend to hurt. Little white lies, bold stinking whopper lies, and even lies to spare you...they hurt..

They hurt, because it stops the development of trust. It stops the growth of love and respect.

It just hurts because every f'ing person that should matter thinks its ok to lie to you.

And about things that don't even matter..at least not to me.

Why bother to lie about something that has no baring on anything?

what purpose was served in playing a part in a lie, of building a story line about something and adding to it and continuing when the truth is so much easier....maybe the truth hurts a little....or maybe not....but the elaborate lies hurt more because I am supposed to sit there and listen to them and pretend to believe them..when all along I am breaking apart at the nerve of the lies.

When all I hear is not adding up...when I want so much to believe and the more I try the stupider I feel and the realization that they think I am that stupid hurts even more.

Well, for someone that already has trust issues..this the end of any progress we have made.

Now all I can do is just pretend that things are aok..when inside I am.....broken.

not enough

I will never get to really know them, will I?

There is just not enough time.

There is just to much distance?

It hit me last night..there is just not enough time.

Why bother?

But what if I want to bother?

yesterday

Yesterday I was strong..I knew where I should be headed..I knew that I could handle anything especially concerning adoption..

and today, I am struggling trying to hold back tears...my heart is breaking all because of this:

But I didn’t know that then. I know it now, but I can’t undo what I did then. I can only trust in God as I know Him now – a loving, personal God who is crazy about me (yes, even the 19-year old, scared, people-pleasing single mother me) and who says, “Wait, my beloved daughter. Be patient. It will all work out in the end.”
I just wish I had found Him before that cold, wet night in March when I left my beloved daughter in the arms of strangers.


I ache for this mother and that is one reason I have tears threatening to stream down my face, but a little part of me aches for me...

I will get over it, but I wonder? Why do I do this to myself every day...return to these blogs where people hurt..where their feelings are so raw..so familiar to me...so close to those insecurities that dwell within me...why do I?

Because I have to, so I won't be alone in this, so I can feel that I belong somewhere...that I am not that child sent of into the world without those closest to her..

I desire to belong..and if the only people who understand me are these bloggers who struggle like me, then I will continue to read them..together we support ourselves, together we turn to God for the answers. And when there are no answers, then we turn to Him to hold us up with his strength and His eternal love.

adoption

I have like 20 things on my mind from Adoption and religion, to last nights dance, to major thoughts about major things.

1. Adoption and religion. Once upon a time, I thought adoption was wonderful. Adoption: give away your kids, they are better off without you. Go do it..do it...do it already.

I was the queen of denial. I was. In fact, I remember early in our marriage my hubby and I got into an argument about it. Our church teaches that all children should be born into a family with both a mother and a father. Well who could argue with that. I couldn't..not. at. all.

I told my dh if our kids got pregnant..we would tell them to give them up for adoption. Look at me I turned out fine. Hmmm? He said he could never give away a part of him. Wow, I never heard that before. People I knew, gave away a part of them like they were candy..namely me and my brother Roy..my adopted brother, my adopted Sister, my adopted cousin, my adopted aunt. People (parents) just left us like there was no tomorrow. But, I said..two parents remember...sealed in the temple remember!!!

I lived in la la land for a few years until I met my mother. Then the flood gates opened and I saw a part of me that I had never ever seen before. An angry, and very sad person. I didn't understand what I was feeling. I didn't know why I felt this way. DENIAL. plain and simple.

Its been two years and I am just seeing the light. I can speak to my mother and maybe only 2 things she says makes my blood freeze and boil and my heart go a million miles a minute. Normally, we are ok. Well, I am ok NOW. But I wasn't always. Nope, I was far from it.

Things are different now for me. I believe that children should stay with their parents..have a history, have a FAMILY. Do adoptive parents love their kids? Heck yeah. My mother loved me very very much. I loved her very very much. I still do...she is my mother..I love her...

But...there are a slew of reasons why the parentals should stay with their children....sometimes that is not possible..and in cases like that..well...then you do what is best.
But there will be consequence..people should be aware.

Just sitting here waiting for hubby and thinking. Which is a very dangerous thing. I start thinking, then pondering, then wondering, and then the trouble starts.

Its hard to suppress some of the feelings of "What if's"

The what if's can also be a dangerous thing.

Dangerous because, 1. they are not real. 2. they cause lots of pain because they are not real, will never be real and can never be real.

So..What if....shoulda coulda woulda.
My mother tells me things like that..
I should have know better...Um..yep you shoulda.
I could have kept you if (fill in the blank).....yeah you coulda
I would have done it different if (fill in the blank)....Um..shoulda


My father says the same thing. But I just smile because it doesn't really matter now.

Now I am a happily married mother of 6.

What could have been would have been.

Would it have been better? Maybe...or maybe not.

Being raised by my mother might NOT have been a wonderful thing. Or maybe it would have..I would be a different person that is for sure....but how different?


See where the what if's get you. They just make you go around and around and around..and you could spiral out of control.

the mother/father factor

I was just thinking of my father and my mother and the totally different ways I relate to them.
I had a long shower, the best place to construct a blog post and I thought, yep, I need to write this down.

I understand that I sometimes sound bitter, ok lots of times.
But really I am not, sometimes I am just stating the obvious.

I lived well over 38 years without a thought to my adoption.

I had other things on my mind..like life and living it.

Sometimes I would think of my mother, and sometimes I wouldn't.

No biggie..
Now the father factor, hardly entered my mind.

I am not sure why not. Maybe because he was just a figure in my mind that was faceless. I didn't know anything about him except his name. Nothing at all.
Didn't know where he lived or what he did or anything..and really I never thought about it.

I didn't know anything until I reunited with my mother and she told me about him and the "situation" and that I should look for him.
I told her no first but then I did look for him.

and I found him and I am happy.

The huge difference between my mother and father are the feelings attached to them.
I get get told that i have a double standard when it comes to my mother and father.

My mother gets the whole range of emotions. Sometimes I can totally hate her, but other times I love her to pieces. I ache for her and then I want to push her away.
I don't know why, maybe because she is my mother and I am a mother and I could not fathom leaving my child with someone. But I understand why she did it. I do..but how could she is the question.

I don't have those feeling for Frank. Frank is more like a gift with purchase. The purchase being the reunion with my mother and Frank is the bonus reunion.
you never get upset with your bonus purchase.
You might hate what you brought, or you might love it one day and the next it looks like crap on you.
You might be happy with your purchase (aka reunion) but sometimes you might wonder why you spent so much on it. (aka, so much time)

You might forget your purchase for days and other times you want to use it over and over again.
But the bonus, the free with purchase bonus, is always an awesome thing. You are happy you got it. you think you got a great deal. You use it, or not, you think of it as a huge bonus. You love it.
And thats Frank. He is my bonus and I am happy I got him.
and I hope he is happy I got him too.

I have more to say, but its a whole other post.

myspace

I have been blogging a lot on myspace. I might move those blogs over here. I have had a lot on my mind. Especially since some of my fathers family has requested me on myspace. Two I don't even know, but they are my nieces. I am excited that they are becoming more open to me, but I must admit, I wonder what their motive really is.
I can't help thinking this.

can't stop

I just can't stop starting at the pictures my brother sent me. I started shaking because I was trying so hard not to start crying.
Sadly, I never got a chance to get pictures of my mother because she died while I was still young and no one would have considered maybe saving some for me.
After seeing Johnny again after so many years I asked him for some and he just emailed me these.
The thing that bothers me, or makes me feel a little overwhelmed is that Johnny was my brother, but he was so much older than I that I called him Daddy.
I remember calling him daddy. Even though I didn't see him for years and years, I still remember that.
I asked him to verify it and he said yes.
So he was my daddy!!!! But really he was my brother...but really we share no DNA!
I missed him and my mana lily. (my sister Olivia) I still feel so bad that I found her to late. She died months before I found her.
I tried so hard to look for her...I tried for years..and when I finally found her she was gone.
I miss her so much.
It sucks that I moved around so much and lost track of them and they of me...
It sucks that I was so angry with the whole adopted family that after I turned 18 I pretty much was asked to hit the road, and I hit it with both feet at a run. God, I sometimes wish I could forget those years, but not the years I spent with my mother!! never those years.

who's own good?

Reading blogs gets me so motivated to write, it also motivates me to action (except I am lazy) and many times it drives me to anger.
There is one blog in particular that really has my emotions on a see saw. Up and down.
And I await a new post. Needless to say she hasn't posted about her birthday and her birth mother's reaction to it. Plans were made by both months in advance and then canceled by said mother.
Problem is her mother is notorious for such doings.
But, I came across another blog..which had my story pretty much written in it..well..not the whole sordid affair but the whole "my family reads my blog and then judges me harshly about it".
She wants to cancel her blog..I sent her an email and told her not to. Those are her feelings and she should have a right to voice them and her family should understand.
But the truth is family never understands, an adoptee must be happy happy joy joy all the time so they bios won't get hurt and defensive and just like you were supposed to make your adopted family happy by being the good adoptee...you have to make your natural family happy by being the forgiving adoptee.
But the question is, Can't you be forgiving and STILL upset?
I told my natural mother (after the blog fiasco and myspace BS) that I have a right to mourn the loss of my first family. I have the right to be angry at the decisions that were made on my behalf by everyone (except me) and I have the right to just be plain sad. Don't I?
She said yes, but really she meant no. Because dearest, things were done for your own GOOD. Oh yeah..not her own good?...not anyone's own good...really? Yeah..
I had nothing to do about it...except the inconvenience part. The whole "oh snap!" Baby on board.

like a broken record

Why does it feel like I go around and around and never get anywhere?
These reunions suck. I search for people and then get a huge let down.
Mother, father, siblings..and even my adopted brother.
I think its me. I expect to much. I expect the impossible.
Then I realize that I am dong all the searching and no one has bothered to search for me. They seem excited when I find them, but then never lift a finger to build a relationship.
Days go by with no contact. If I don't contact, they don't contact. What am I supposed to think about this?
Forget about it and move on? Work hard to do the work of everyone involved in these reunions? When is it going to be enough? When will I require others to work with me?
Nights of tears, days of driving around and around crying and not being able to stop.
Not being able to stop crying and not being able to stop driving because I can't stop crying long enough to get to my destination. *sigh*
Gotta harden my heart again,I guess.

trust

or lack there of. early this morning I was thinking of my brother and wondering why?
Or rather, when. When should I trust him? When will he show me what he really wants.
I am in a bad position. Finding him, visiting him, calling him...why always me. I search for everyone. Does no one want to know me? Then I sit, wondering if I am pushing myself on him.
I am going to wait. If he makes an attempt to call me or work on this relationship I will try..but I am so scared that he will just send me away again.
When can I trust him with my heart?

Trip

Well...more adoptee things. More what the heck feelings...more "Why did I have to born into this" Things that should be good are NOT.
Example numero uno. I visited my adopted sisters grave site. Sad..but got to pay my respects. Spent the day with Johnny...good but...not sure if I pushed to fast.
Example Numero dos...Did genealogy and submitted names to the temple..got my adopted mother and her hubby and us kids..(all adopted)
Been working on my bio genealogy..so the problem. Where do I get sealed? What family do I belong to? Sigh!! friends says do both and see what happens. Where do you WANT to be sealed. Well with my family. Should be easy but its not.
Example numero Tres....my bio paternal sister (who shares my exact name) texted me. Cool beans. She was very upset about the whole...I have a sister and my dad had an affair thing. who could blame her. So we texted and she told me she is not ready for phone conversations. So...I am going slow with her...except...I want to go fast. Its been two years. Yikes.
Well, I sit...not daring to call my brother, or text my sister or do anything because I push to fast.
I totally scared off my adopted sisters son by sending him the genealogy I did for her family. I thought he would love it...but my friend thinks I might have overstepped my boundaries.
What boundaries..Can't have anything to do with adopted family but I have to restrain myself with my biofamily.
The life of an adoptee!!!!