like a broken record

Why does it feel like I go around and around and never get anywhere?
These reunions suck. I search for people and then get a huge let down.
Mother, father, siblings..and even my adopted brother.
I think its me. I expect to much. I expect the impossible.
Then I realize that I am dong all the searching and no one has bothered to search for me. They seem excited when I find them, but then never lift a finger to build a relationship.
Days go by with no contact. If I don't contact, they don't contact. What am I supposed to think about this?
Forget about it and move on? Work hard to do the work of everyone involved in these reunions? When is it going to be enough? When will I require others to work with me?
Nights of tears, days of driving around and around crying and not being able to stop.
Not being able to stop crying and not being able to stop driving because I can't stop crying long enough to get to my destination. *sigh*
Gotta harden my heart again,I guess.

trust

or lack there of. early this morning I was thinking of my brother and wondering why?
Or rather, when. When should I trust him? When will he show me what he really wants.
I am in a bad position. Finding him, visiting him, calling him...why always me. I search for everyone. Does no one want to know me? Then I sit, wondering if I am pushing myself on him.
I am going to wait. If he makes an attempt to call me or work on this relationship I will try..but I am so scared that he will just send me away again.
When can I trust him with my heart?

Trip

Well...more adoptee things. More what the heck feelings...more "Why did I have to born into this" Things that should be good are NOT.
Example numero uno. I visited my adopted sisters grave site. Sad..but got to pay my respects. Spent the day with Johnny...good but...not sure if I pushed to fast.
Example Numero dos...Did genealogy and submitted names to the temple..got my adopted mother and her hubby and us kids..(all adopted)
Been working on my bio genealogy..so the problem. Where do I get sealed? What family do I belong to? Sigh!! friends says do both and see what happens. Where do you WANT to be sealed. Well with my family. Should be easy but its not.
Example numero Tres....my bio paternal sister (who shares my exact name) texted me. Cool beans. She was very upset about the whole...I have a sister and my dad had an affair thing. who could blame her. So we texted and she told me she is not ready for phone conversations. So...I am going slow with her...except...I want to go fast. Its been two years. Yikes.
Well, I sit...not daring to call my brother, or text my sister or do anything because I push to fast.
I totally scared off my adopted sisters son by sending him the genealogy I did for her family. I thought he would love it...but my friend thinks I might have overstepped my boundaries.
What boundaries..Can't have anything to do with adopted family but I have to restrain myself with my biofamily.
The life of an adoptee!!!!

waiting...

I am waiting for my abrother to attempt a call. I need him to call me so that I feel that I am doing the right thing.
He is older and has confessed that he doesn't like calling.
But I need him to call. I can't be doing all the calling because I start second guessing myself over and over again.
I need him to call...I am praying that he will call..that will make me feel that he wants to reestablish a relationship.
Please call!!!!

still thinking

I can't seem to get the thoughts of my brother out of my head. Especially when he asked me how he fit into my life. How does he fit into my life? I wish he could become a huge part of my life. I want him too. But does he? I need him to show me what he wants, and I need him to make a move.
I second guess myself a lot and I want to keep making contact but what if he doesn't make contact back?

ouch..that hurt

I talked to my brother for over two hours yesterday. my adopted brother who took me to live with him then sent me to live with our sister who ended up sending me to live with my bmom...all in the span of about 1 1/2 years..don't know the actual time line, cuz I was like 7.
Well, he pretty much told me that he couldn't take care of me, so he sent me off to our sis. His wife was gonna have their first baby...and pretty much I was in the way. Then my sister was gonna have a suprise baby and well....again with the in a the way stuff.
He was honest..I shrugged it off...but inside I was a wreck.
Not sure how to feel. He is an adoptee too..so he has the same feelings I do. I don't want to judge him. I just wanted to know the reasons for what happened..and now I do.
Still...it was painful to hear. So..ouch!!!

got up extra early

and what was the first thought in my head? "I wonder if he will call me?
Yep, he...who he? My adopted brother whom I just recently contacted after a 30 absence. Yep...30 years..I wrote him a letter and he called right away...and I called right back..talked...called again...talked for a second then he pawned me off on his Wife. What does that mean?
Should I call back? Maybe that's a clue that he doesn't want to talk to me, but then why did he call?
Darn!!!
I lived with him for a very short while and then he sent me to live with our sister (this was after our mother died, I was about 7 or 8.)
I would love to get to know him again. I have questions he can answer..but I think he might have adoptee issues too...maybe..
So I will wait..maybe call him for New Years, maybe not. I might send him another letter...maybe not...not sure..a card maybe...Don't want to lose contact so soon.

kinda hiding

I haven't been here in a very very long time. I have posted mostly on homeschoolblogger.com/sillysiller but now I am going to post here. Main reason is that I need a little more privacy from family members. Just a little because I am sure they will find me here before long.
Christmas just passed and I am totally unsure how to feel.
If you go to my other blog you can read about my reunion with my biofamily so I will not go into it here very much.
Needless to say Christmas is hard sometimes. I either block everything out or dwell on everything adoption related...this year I did both...block a little and dwell a little.
One big dwell...NO ONE from my bio family called me except one brother (well two but one is not bio). No mother, no father, not sisters not other brothers...NO ONE.
Granted I didn't call anyone either. First excuse, my cell phone ran out of minutes (thanks daughter) second excuse, home phone was occupied most of the day with calls for my kids.
Regardless, the point is I didn't make an effort and neither did they. Point is..par for the course.
My first mother called me today, with her batch of excuse for why she didn't call..then the guilt trip about how NONE of her bio kids (ok she said her kids, might include me...might not) called her..except for one. How lonely she was, and emotional because Christmas means family and she always had someone missing (me? her other son she gave away? her oldest who is estranged from the family? not sure)....
Felt bad for her..felt bad for me...we hung up..and that's that.
Called bio father had a 10 second conversation...he seemed busy with his family, you know the real one..so we promised to call again later..like when he has time for me..you know his daughter during convenient times..and while he is alone.
Ah, the joys of the holiday. Makes me want to just go somewhere and drink the pain away..sadly I don't drink..sometimes I wish I did.

just in case

even though I blog at homeschoolblogger.com/sillysiller now, I will be checking here in case I win something neat from the free blog give away.
Yeah....I hope I win something nice.
They had just cute stuff, I wanted it all...do you hear me? I want it all.

new blog

www.homeschoolblogger.com/sillysiller

My lost post...

I guess I must have deleted my post titled homesteading...it really wasn't about homesteading. That was my original topic but I went of on a side thought.
I had been Visiting Teaching on Friday and that was what I was writing about...It was such a great experience.
I should say something about Visiting Teaching incase someone reading this has no idea what the heck I am writing about. I am a member of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" (a Mormon) and we have a program in church called visiting teaching. We are given a list of 3 or 4 sisters and two of us go every month to visit them, teach them a spiritual lesson and then we can see if they need our help on something or if we see something that they might be in need of we report it to the Relief Society President.
So I got a new companion and we went to visit a sister that was just added to my list. She is spanish speaking and the visit went great. The awesome part of it was that I had the lesson in English and I had to translate it to spanish...which is extremely difficult for me. I started off with the beginning of the article and I really butchered it..: (..but luckly I had prayed about what I should read and when I started to translate that part...omg...it just flowed out of my mouth like I had practiced for weeks...funny...I know that it was God who was doing it..and I hope that it helped the sister. I am sure she needed to hear those specific words and God knew that....
How wonderful...I love visiting teaching!!!

Am I "lost" in service yet?

Lately, I have been using alot of my time is the service of certain people and I am wondering when am I being of service and when am I being used. I would gladly help anyone I can, and I have actually put others in front of my family to be of service.
We are taught in church at we should lose ourselves in service to our brothers and sisters...well...when is that?
I am ready to pull my hair out due to a perticular person I am really honestly trying to help. I don't want to go into to much detail, but I have been feeling used lately, and I don't like it.
If I stop being helpful will God be disappointed in me..will he think I am not being Christlike?
I just feel like I am ramming my head into the wall and its really fustrating.
I seriously feel that I have to stop and have to put my family ahead of others for a change....that sounds so terrible but I am really really tired of being used!!! I don't think Heavenly Father wanted us to feel that way, right?

learning to be frugal.

Ok, I am learning to be frugal...can you ever go to far? I have been researching different ways to save money and I came across a site or two dealing with making your own pads for "that time of the month". Hmmm....I would love to save money, but can I really do that. I don't know. But I am really thinking of it. ...very seriously.
I made my laundry detergent and its working well, I bake my own bread, and today I decided to make my own marinara sauce instead of buying the jar spaghetti sauce. Are there other ways to save? I don't know how far I can go with this, but I am willing to give everything a try or two. I found a recipe for the shampoo...so I am going to look for the ingredients sometime this week.
I guess I should learn to sew and that might save me lots of money..or will it after I buy the machine?
I will continue to look for different ways to save some money...I actually surfed the web for free samples of shampoo, soap and whatever I can find....love free!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an quite a weird couple of days. I won't go into to much detail, suffice it to say, I had to spend about5 hours at a crisis center with my sil on Thursday. She is fine but wow, what a night.
Anyway, my daughter and I decided to make homemade laundry detergent. We actually got it made and are now using it for the laundry (what else). I think it is working pretty good. I am trying to become a bit more frugal and this is one way that I hope to do it. I am also going to start a garden this spring because I spent over $10.00 on fresh veggies. So, I hope to cut that down a bit. I allotted 80.00 dollars for groceries a week and I really want to stay around that price, but I would love to go even cheaper.
I am making fresh bread, homemade detergents, and hopefully I can start using household items for cleaning. Like baking soda and borax for scrubing.
ok the recipe I got off the net....
1/2 cup borax
1/2 washing soda (not baking soda)
1 cup grated bar of soap...like ivory
I used Irish spring

I will keep you posted on the results....next experiment...shampoo's. Is it possible to make your own shampoo?

raving of a feminist, anitfeminist

ok...what the heck does that mean. Well, I label myself a feminist, but not as my bil calls them a feminazi. I subscribe to the original ideals of feminism. The idea of having a choice. I choose to stayhome and that is ok...I choose to go to work and that is ok too. I don't understand todays women who don't have the choice..they think they HAVE to be out working if they are true feminist. That women who choose to stay home are hurting the feminist movement. What...wasn't that the idea...the choice. I have the choice and its just as valid as the choice to go to work.
I have an equally important job. My job makes a difference. Why is it so wonderful to volunteer and give of your time for no pay, but a SAHM mother is wasting her time cuz she doesn't generate revenue.
So...as a feminist I appluad women who choose to SAHM...because apparently its not the choice of a feminist. Please...

Yet another entry

Ok, so I do have a family and a home to take care of even though I have been posting a bit here. I guess, I have a lot to say and I want to say it now.
This blog is about our homeschooling and our family so I will touch on that right now.
Chris jr is very busy with his venturing troop and church activities. He is also working on his duty to God certificate. We went through the book and picked out some activities he needs to do for it. One was career planning and career/interest testing. We actually looked online and found a career test. We both took a stab at it and it was very interesting. Chris was not to happy with the results, but these were for adults and a 14 year is hardly ready to answer question about himself since he is just learning about himself. I asked him to retake it and I kinda gave him my opinion about he strenghts and interest from a moms point of view. Still he shrugged of the results. My results claim I could be a nurse or even a clinical Psychologist. Funny, my major was psychology and I wanted to switch to nursing. So I guess I know myself pretty well. But thats for another season of my life.
Patrick is a wiz at spelling and loves math...he is a self starter and I hardly have to "teach"him anything. History is a bit boring of him so we need to find something that will grab his interest.
I have been baking bread a lot lately and he has taken an interest in "home economics". He wants to learn to cook and bbq and make bread etc. I will have him help me and maybe I can turn the bread making over to him. : )
Nicholas is a very creative kid. He and patrick have tons of adventures in the back yard play all types of combat games. Once he even came to check the net for insigna of the military. Neat.
He doesn't really like workbooks...but loves to look at Atlas, manuel of any kind but if its labeled a text book forget it.
Victoria is also quite a self starter. She almost taught herself to read, with a little help from mom. She loves to sew...and I don't even know how...I just gave her a needle and thread, some fabric and showed her how to do a stich. Well, she made her doll some clothes, a sleeping bag and she also made herself a little sack to hold her money. Wow.
Samuel is just wonderful and loves to learn to. He is a very active boy and we have to keep him occupied or else.
James is just the love of our home and is teaching us alot. He will be a great teacher to his older brothers and make them able caregivers. : )

Well, that is it for now..I will update or add on if anything comes to mind. And let me tell...quite a bit of things come to mind. ; ) : D

link for online journal

I have been keeping an online journal on another site that documented the pregnancy.
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/l/lindaandchris/

I think there are lots of good insight on me also, and a neat read.

here is a sample:


Sunday, May 01, 2005
I know I just posted, but I felt drawn to post again. I was just reading about a family that has 10 boys!!!wow. What a blessing. It suddenly dawned on me that even though so many people think we are irresponsible for having so many children, We are so BLESSED.Sure we don't have money for the "stuff" we want, and maybe we could afford "more" if we had less children. But, how would that make up for all the wonderful moments we share with our family?When I think about our 5 boys going out into the world, I only wish one thing for them..That they are happy, and spiritually aware. For my daughter too, I wish the same, but also for her, I wish she learns the importance of being a mother. I also remember a quote from church ( I am so sorry, but I can't remember this minute who said it)"THE GREATEST WORK YOU WILL EVER DO IS WITHIN THE WALLS OF YOUR OWN HOME" All other achievements will mean nothing if you fail your family. I am so glad that Heavenly Father has deemed me worthy to care for his precious children..I hope that I can rise to the occasion. As I write this, I realize that many others will never understand the great importance that our children are to us. I know that Heavenly Father has a purpose for each and everyone of my children, and how selfish I would be to deny these little angels a home and a family.I am so grateful for my husband because he too understands how important we are in Gods plans. He works so hard so I can stay home with my babies. I know many men would never ever do that..He works long hours and never complains to me about it. I am truly blessed to have him as a husband and together we are blessed to be co-creators with God. So if he wants to send us a bus load of children..let him.

what a difference a few months make

I was just reading my post...total of 3 and so much as changed since I wrote those. Where to start where to start.
One thing, I continued homeschooling the kids..all of them. Also we hit a financial rock bottom and we are clawing are way up again. Cash only and started a savings...yeah..we lost everything and are working to regain it all again. But, we will not live beyond our means. we are paying our tithing and are set to reach our goal of getting sealed in the temple by April.
Yeah!!!
Our newest addition is 5 months old and a real lovely baby...makes me reconsider the fact that he was to be our last one. Yike...I love him and I just can't imagine not having a little angel to kiss and cuddle when he is older.
My dh is working hard and taking college classes on the net...so our future looks bright.

I have gone and come back again

I just returned to my blog after spending some time with myspace. I think it was the worst mistake I have ever made. I was really excited to be on myspace, but the Holy Ghost was telling me something else entirely.
So, what is wrong with myspace. Nothing much except that as I worked on my profile, I kept coming across vulgar glitters and blinkies, and I felt the spirit leave me. I am trying to have a house that belongs to the Lord and the process of making my profile was not conducive to that.
Sadly, my son kept telling me how terrible it was...and he was right. So, after fighting my worldly self and seeing through my excuses I canceled my account.
Now I sit here w/ a nursing baby and ponder the damage I caused myself. Did I ruin the delicate testimony I am trying to grow? I will have to work harder to erase the damage, but can it?
Well, I used some of the time that I devoted to myspace to read blogs on homemaking, homeschooling and other items of interest. My goal is to raise a rightous family and be a mother Heavenly Father will be proud of.
I hope as I grow this blog will document my changes. I have changed so much from the 19 yo young bride....but I am still growing. Maybe my daughter will start off as a better wife and mother than me!
I hope so!

Doctors appointment

I am finally back from my dr.'s appointment. What a long long day. I had to do a 3 hour glucose and had a sono and had a prenatal. I got there a bit after 8 am and didn't leave until 11:30am. I hated that darn drink, but since I failed my 1 hour, I had to take the 3 hour glucose.
Since this is a new doctor, his timeline for tests was a bit different from the clinic I was first attending. The clinic gave me the 1 hour test at like 16 weeks. I also failed that and had to go back and take the 3 hour test.
Doctor Kellum's office does the same 1 hour test between 24 and 28 weeks, soooo, there I go again. Had the one hour, failed, and now the 3 hour test was next. I hope I pass it as I did at the clinic. I do not want to have GD. Yuck.
Anyway, the ultrasound was great. James was a cute as ever. I can't wait to hold him in my arms. He weighs about 4 lbs and 2 oz. He is measuring 3 weeks more than my actual dates. The doctor feels that we can still keep the same due date, which is fine, but I will secretly hope that James comes about 2 weeks early. Do you think thats possible? I hope so.
Chris Jr. is over the moon, because the spurs have won the world championship. He had me take him over to Academy to buy a championship tee shirt. Well, Academy was packed so we just went over to the booths that sell tee shirts at the corner. He was very happy.
Patrick, Nicholas and Victoria are a little apprehensive about starting school this year. They have been homeschooled for about 3 years, sooo, they are about worried, but excited as well.
Chris Jr is very excited to start school in the fall. He will be entering the 9th grade, we hope. He need to pass the TAKS test first. He has taken 2 exams and is practicing for the 3rd one, which is the math section. He is very worried about it. I think he will do well.
My dh has been working overtime now for about 3 weeks straight, so i hope that we can catch up on some bills. I hope we can, because we are way behind on somethings.
Oh well, thats life I guess.